Tuesday, April 23, 2013

First day of Chemo

               First day of Chemo ....  All kinds of emotions today I started out wanting to make sure the car was freshly vacuumed cause my mom hates a dirty car... well she hates a dirty anything really. After throwing 3 bucks in change trying to find a working vacuum  I gave up and  just grabbed a damp towel and wiped it out. I was worried she would think I forgot her this morning and went back to bed.  Arrived to find her still on the phone with a friend and she just waved me in. She didn't seem nervous she kinda gave me a grin and popped her shoulders and headed out the door.  We got there only a few others in the waiting room. We giggled and looked online at the nice post that her sister left , pictures of FAT babies, cause they are the best kind, watched a video. Finally the door opened and we filed on in.  Familiar face of Mathilda came around the corner and hugs and more giggles ensued. Mathilda actually looked at me and I remember when you were just a kid... Puahahaha love her heart  Her youngest child and my oldest child are the same age lol .  She took us back to little pods with 6 recliners each equipped with a bright white pillow and blanket.  Of course I'm afraid of needles so I cant look when they are accessing her port but we can hold hands and I can squeeze my eyes real tight and hold my breath. We got a little teary, pulled it together.  Mathilda didn't have another patient come in til 10 . They got to catch up and hear all the fun stuff everyone has been doing the past ten years. As we come to the end of Chemo and she seems to be feeling fine very upbeat still,  just needs to pee.... I went with her and she was trying to cough and I can hear a little panic, I thought she was getting sick cause that's what you always hear about. I asked are you OK  just take some deep breaths. She has the door locked and I'm thinking I'm going to have to crawl under the door on hospital floor in my bare knees ewww and then she opens the door. She said "I'm not sick, I just don't feel right "  she walks over washes her hands and then it starts... I realize she has just put her hands in cool water, completely forgetting she isn't suppose to get near anything cool . Cant stand in front of the fridge or under a fan for 4-5 days. I stand behind her and try to be soothing telling her she can breathe, it just a reaction to the chemo my arm is around her stomach and I'm telling hers it OK. She remembers the Dr. saying if she felt that to breathe into her hand and try not to panic. So here we are my mom at the sink breathing in her hands and I'm behind her with my arms wrapped around her. She just wanted to get out of there and go home.  Well I'm thinking we are having the reaction the nurse is right here lets see how it plays out so we know what to do at home. I motion for Mathilda mom is trying to steer me toward the exit. I'm thinking sit down for 15 mins see what happens then we can go. I have to say we got to the chair I turned around and there are nurses coming from everywhere. Mathilda is telling mom its OK  and we are just gonna take your pressure. Mathilda called for a Dr. to the infusion room and now I realize I'm in the way... They have opened a bag and they are about to access her port again. As I step out the way I can feel myself starting to crumble so I know that I cant let her see me freak out she needs to be calm so I slip off to the next pod and realize OMG  there are patients here who are about to see me freak out and I didn't want them to get worried (what if one was a new patient like us), so I hurry out the door only to find myself standing in yet a another inner waiting room and more patients ..... at the point my whole insides are screaming WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BATHROOMS!!!  Finally I see the door 5 ft away I bolt inside and  have a quick freak out.. hyperventilate a little, good to know I can still get my head between my knees.  Now I'm thinking well what if she needs to see me and needs to have a look that says everything is OK  so I ripped a paper towel wiping my face I come out the bathroom and patient family member is asking if I'm OK . I know I have to get back so I say I'm sorry It was panic  it was panic as I go running back to moms pod I'm still off to the side but I can see they have an IV running and mom looks scared and trying to explain that she didn't feel like she could expand her diaphragm. Her Dr. is there and explaining it was all fine Its usually just the male patients that try to test the cold. We sat for another 45 mins running a bag of fluids get her good and hydrated. By now we are starving and the giggles are back on about all things she might touch cold  On the way home she wanted to stop at McDonalds for a burger.... and wouldn't you know that other symptom she might have is LOCKJAW,  she didn't get stuck but she could feel it that will pass in a couple of hours and the cold thing will pass in a couple of days.  She is home with the fans off and staying away from the scary Icebox.    


  1. OMG April!! bless your heart I hate so bad for her having to go through this. If you need me to be there, I will be there in a heartbeat to help take care of her..I don't know what I'd do If I lost her..and I know it's even worse for you. I love you too honey. 55 years with her.
    PS..I love the name of your blog!!

  2. ..and I'm so sorry to have scared her. I know she is not the 'nurse type". I remember walking down the halls of the hospital with her..and how she kept her eyes straight ahead so she wouldn't see the patients in their rooms..it scared her and made her ill seeing tubes and machines hooked up to people. Though I was frightened because I couldn't breathe, I'm sure she was as panicked as I.

  3. Well my perception of what is goin on is different than hers.... She is on the receiving end, I don't know what I would do but I know what its like to watch my mom who has been my constant to be scared and fragile and not know how to fix it.... All I can do is take this ride with her... When I was young I was in charge of the map and the radio, now im in charge of med reminders, appointments, tissues, writing down what the Doc says, dance class and all the stuff she use to do for me... Oh and finding times to lose my shit when the kids aren't here.... Carrie asked about the appt. today I told her about the medi-port and explained thats where they will put nanas medicine. Little bit at a time.